Saying Yes to No

“To the past, Thanks; to the future, Yes!”

Dag Hammarskjold’s philosophy on life, expressed in his book Markings, has always ignited a spark in me. So much so that when I retired, I adopted a universal ‘Yes!’ Rule—and I meant to add the exclamation point. Saying ‘Yes’ to promising ideas and opportunities seemed like the perfect way to build the well-rounded life I wanted, not to mention making me the positive influence everyone wants at cocktail parties.

My ‘Yes!’ Rule worked for a while, but it didn’t take long before I noticed something was missing. Even when joining this or dabbling in that, I felt lost. I wanted to immerse myself in something rather than flutter around like a butterfly. That’s when I introduced ‘No’ into my retirement vocabulary.

Some subtractions were obvious and overdue. Needlework wasn’t the fun it had been when I was a teenager, and I lacked the determination to pursue classes in nutrition. But despite feeling a nagging urgency to get on with it, I questioned myself after rejecting a flattering though uninspiring part-time job offer and my equally uninspiring coaching studies.

Was I getting too comfortable, not trying hard enough, even getting lazy? I liked slowing down to get more sleep and reading the morning news. I didn't want to stand still, but I wanted to keep moving forward without twisting myself into a pretzel.

I realized that I fundamentally disliked saying ‘No.’ For one thing, I was sensitive to being labeled as negative—someone perceived as cranky, critical, afraid, and just plain dull. For another, I’d always been proud of my stick-to-it-ness—after all, nothing comes without some degree of slog. I even wondered if withstanding the grind might be essential to feeling vital and engaged—as the saying goes, ‘No pain, No gain!’ Could I miss the chance of a lifetime?

Thinking back to why I decided to retire in the first place helped me see that I had the questions upside down. My focus now is on enjoying the process rather than meeting a goal—I’m no longer influenced by what others think (well, most of the time). The ticking clock only underscores that I must evaluate my progress—because time is precious. It is also an excellent teacher. Ironically, in my effort to stop wasting time by dutifully pressing through instead of sorting through, I learned I was doing exactly what I aimed to avoid.

It’s some consolation to know that perhaps I’m not alone in my struggles, as an article in Harvard Business Review warns:

“But the truth is, when you never say no, you will actually increase the likelihood of the outcomes you fear."

My friend Kathie, a retirement newcomer, had a recent experience that sounded remarkably familiar. She received an unexpected consulting opportunity but was unsure about saying ‘No,’ even though it didn’t fit her work preferences. After discussing the pros and cons with me and trusting her instincts, she let it go. As life would have it, she received an offer to mentor a young professional at a non-profit where she serves on the board, and she had no hesitation in saying ‘Yes.’

Our conversation reminded me that saying ‘No’ isn’t a sign of a bad attitude, ignoring a signal from the universe, or a slide into idleness; it’s a sensible—and positive—choice. Without saying ‘No,’ Kathie would have been reluctantly engaged elsewhere, and I wouldn’t have found my way to write. Each ‘No’ just might pave the way for a significant ‘Yes!’—exclamation point included.